Random Bits and Pieces

We are trying to come up for air.  Jeremy and I both feel as if the wind has been knocked out of us and we are trying so hard to catch our breath again.

We really appreciate everyone's supportive comments both here, on twitter and facebook.  We have some of the best friends ever.

Right now the plan is to do everything to our house that we always wanted to do so we can sell it.  We know we'll be moving as there are no jobs in this area for him.

*le sigh* it is the Lord's will, I just keep reminding myself of that.

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 In other news....

Seth made his first attempt of putting on a prefold with a snappi on Libby.  I think he did a smashing job, don't you?

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I love how my sweepings look after the kids play with play-doh.  It makes me happy.

Yeah, and Play-Doh + Potato Head parts = TOTALLY AWESOME!

Last Week

Really, I am glad last week is done.  The week started with Emma's Angel Day on Monday.  7 years she'd been gone.  And, if that wasn't enough...

This one started 1st Grade and LOOOOVED it.  But it was so hard having one of my chicks gone from the next all day long!

And this one...well, just look at her...

Yes, she started dance.  And lest you think she just stood there looking so cute and doing all the dance moves...this is how I found her a lot of the time.

Yes, she is laying spread eagle on the floor.  She tells me she fell down a lot.  Whatever.

Loralee brought me lunch (so nice!), and Jeremy came home from work early so we could go visit Emma.

We did a ladybug release and it was really nice.

The next day I posted my Vlog and told you not to ask if I am pregnant because I'm just fat.  Well, when I made that video I had no idea what was going on in my uterus.  That day I found out I was pregnant.

We had exactly 2 days to be happy about it though because then Jeremy came home from work letting me know he'd been laid off.

So now we are again searching for a job, facing the uncertainty of unemployment and knowing that we will have to move and leave this place we love so much.

I couldn't tell you right away, but that is what has been so difficult and heavy in our lives.  We are scared, shaken and feeling so helpless that we don't know what the future holds.

We are remembering who is in charge, and on whom we can lean.  We are hopeful that this is part of God's plan and He knows what we need better than we do.  But, when we forget that, I pray that He will catch me.

New York

I have started this post so many times.  I wanted to tell you all about New York, Blogher and my many adventures.

However, life has taken a turn and while we are all healthy, things are just not right. 

I can't stop thinking about the amazing time I had with my sweetheart and how absolutely grateful I am that we had that time together.  Time to be carefree, enjoy the city and each other.

 Getting ready for our Tutu's for Tanner 5K.  Yes, Jeremy wore a Tutu in Central Park.  He is awesome!

I loved seeing the sights, Radio City Music Hall, 30 Rock, Time's Square, Broadway, Madison Avenue (you know, because I loooove Mad Men!), the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island...the list goes on.  We rode the subway just about everywhere, so we got to see a lot of the city that way.  We went to Union Square, Chinatown, Washington Heights, Central Park, and the Temple.

 Cool building in Union Square that had smoke coming out of it and a timer on the other side.  

 best donuts ever. seriously. we ate 4. YUM!

We ate great food, saw good friends, had great adventures and just had such a relaxing time.  I am forever grateful to Mabel's Labels for picking my name out of the hat and sending me to New York for a trip that won't soon be forgotten.

Oh, and thank you to my darling for giving me the best souvenir ever...even though I won't get to see it until late April/ early May.

Heavy

This week has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least.  Things are extremely heavy in our lives right now.  There are things happening that I can not share, but if you are the praying type, we sure could use your prayers.

I will be back soon (I hope) with photos of Seth's first day of school, Amelia's first day of dance, and many more adventures they are having.

In the mean time, enjoy this one.  We had a rain storm on Sunday, so the kids made a "tent" in the front yard.  I love their creativity.

Hopefully these sweet smiles and hugs and giggles will help to lift our heavy burden we are carrying right now.

Wisdom of a 6 year old

The other night Seth told me how a baby gets in a Mama's tummy.

"I think that a Mama has a little tiny hole in the top of her head that she doesn't know about and Heavenly Father puts a teeny tiny little egg in the hole and it goes all the way down to the bottom of her belly and it grows into a baby."

I think he can believe this for a while longer, don't you?

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In other bits...thank you all for your kind words on my last post.  It was hard to be that vulnerable, apparently it was too much for some people as I lost some followers and subscribers.  But, it is true and it is me.  But I am working hard to change it and I can't wait for that.

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Go Away Mean Girl.

He is sick of hearing it from me.  He is tired of me being so down on myself.  He is tired of the constant barrage of negativity that comes out of my mouth.

He loves me, but I don't.

I wonder how long he will put up with me and my negativity towards myself.

My gut tells me it won't be much longer.

Look at her, she has had 4 kids, her stomach is flat and her boobs are perfect.  What is your excuse?


Look at her, she talks so kindly to her children even when they make her crazy.  Why can't you?


Look there, your neighbor's house is perfectly clean.  She gets things done.  What is wrong with you?


They have classes at 6:30 am at the gym because people GO.  What is your deal?


Why are you so loud?  Why are you so fat?  Why are you so embarrassing to everyone around you?  Why do you keep eating things that will just make you fatter?  Why won't you change?


This is the constant dialogue happening in my head.  I am always comparing myself to others, knowing I am not good enough.

When we were in New York, Jeremy mentioned that he hadn't heard me say a nice thing about myself the entire time we were there.  I told him it was because I was surrounded by beautiful thin people in New York.  He laughed and asked if I was in the same place he was.  He started pointing out all the overweight, not so beautiful people (because there were some very beautiful overweight people too).  I didn't want to see them.  I wanted to know I was right, that I was the big slob who was ugly and fat and so undesirable.

Then this week, it was as if Brittany crawled into my mind.  She voiced what I feel.  She brought my innermost feelings to life and gave me the courage to really look at myself.

Although, truth be told, I still think she is smokin' hot and I am just a fat slob.

I have never had a super great self-esteem.  I always felt too fat, too ugly, my nose was too flat, my breasts were too small, my hips were too big, my thighs were too big, my hair wasn't straight enough, my hair wasn't curly enough, I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't smart enough, I just wasn't enough.

I had this misconception that I would become an adult and all these insecurities would magically disappear.  I would find a man who loved me and it would be like a movie, I would get swept off my feet and be happy forever.

It didn't happen like that.  I found a man who loved me (he still does by the way), he loves all my curves, stretch marks, crows feet, everything.  But I found that it doesn't matter how much he loves me, if I can't love myself.

He tells me something needs to change NOW.  I have 3 children who watch me and listen to me.  I don't want my girls to grow up with body issues.  I don't want it to hurt my feelings when my children tell me I am fat because it's true.  The truth hurts.

I want to walk down the street confident and know that my body is mine.  I am unique and special and there are so many great things about me.  I don't want to struggle for words when someone asks me what my favorite part of my body is, because I can't think of anything.

I want to know that I am trying to improve and be a better person.  I want to know that just because I am not 100% organized right now, my house isn't clean right now, or my children are making me crazy right now, I am not any less of a woman/wife/mother.  I want to know that I am trying, right along with everyone else.

Today I am embarking on a journey of Self Love.  I have joined the 40 Day Inner Mean Girl Cleanse.  For six weeks I am going to be a Self-Love Ambassador and do exercises to help put a muzzle on the mean girl inside of me.  I picture her as that bratty girl I knew (and we all knew at least one!) in Jr. High and she is finally going away.

I am just so.tired.  I am tired of feeling so terrible all the time.  I am tired of putting on a happy face for others when I am dying on the inside.  I am tired of being embarrassed of myself and my children and not being able to just enjoy my life, my family, my home.

Who wants to join me?  Come on this adventure with me.  I am starting to change, love myself, and I know when that happens, I will start to appreciate my body, my family, my life.

Public Service Announcement

You're Welcome.

Dear Emma

 

Your brother and sisters and I watched this video today. They were full of questions about you. They tell me they miss you, but they really have no idea.

They wanted to know if I took any videos of you when you died. Was that the day you died? Was that before you died? Did I know you were going to die?

No, yes, no. Those were my answers.

Amelia wanted to know what you ate. I told her you nursed a lot. "Where are the videos or pictures of that?", she asked. I don't have any.

The pictures end way too soon.  I look at these videos and pictures and barely recognize myself.   I wonder what kind of a Mama I would have been had you lived.  I wonder a lot about what my life would be like if you were still here.

You should be starting 2nd grade today with your brother.  You two should be walking to school together, being excited to see each other on the playground and in the lunch room.  You should be telling me what you want to eat in your lunch tomorrow and playing with your sisters right now.

There are so many shoulds.  You should be here.  You should be here.  You should be here.

I miss you.  I love you.

If I had known

That this was going to be our last picture, I would have made sure it was a lot better.

But still, I love it.  It is just so us.  She crawled up on my lap and wanted some of my water.  See the sopt on my shoulder?  That was from her.  The toys on the floor?  From her.  If I had known this was my last picture with her...well, I guess I wouldn't have changed a thing. 

August 22, 2003

Kroger Giveaway Winner!

Sorry it's late guys.  This week has been the week from..well, you know.  If you read my blog (which I assume you do since you are here!) you know.

So...the winner is...
 #2!!!

Mari!!  Congrats lady.  I will be emailing you to get your info!

As for the rest of you awesome folks, stay close, because I am working on some pretty fun and BIG giveaways!!